For the fatherless this is a difficult time of year. I never noticed before that everywhere you look, every sale ad you see or TV commercial you watch is selling you the perfect gift for the father in your life. For the first weeks of June the world revolves around fathers. So what do you do when you no longer have yours?
I find this month as difficult as the month he died, if not more. While everyone I know will be busy for a day celebrating, I’ll be in a cemetery putting new, fake flowers on a grave I would like to pretend doesn’t exist.
It’s hard. So hard that sometimes I think I’ll never move past it. I think of all the things he’ll never be a part of. I dream of getting married and having a family but the thoughts are always quickly followed by the realization that he will not be here to walk me down the aisle, to pace the floors waiting for his grandchildren, to spoil my kids the way a grandfather should.
It’s not only the special moments he’ll miss, it’s the everyday ones. Who will I call if I have car trouble or need help fixing something around the house or any of the other things he did without me even realizing?
There are so many things he’s already missed, big and small. The day I purchased my first home. The many things that I have had to and will have to fix that come with owning your own home. My new kitten and the adult cat that I adopted.
And so I cry.
And I wonder why. Why? When he was only 50 when he died and in perfect health before the brain tumor. Six months went by from the day he diagnosed to the day he died. Six months I had to accept that he wasn’t going to be here nearly as long as I thought. Six months to say goodbye to my daddy. Six months is not long enough. No amount of time is.
And I know that this life is not fair and that we have to live with the hurts. But there are days where I wish I was still young and this hurt could be kissed and made all better with a band-aid. It’s not easy but I have to believe that it will get easier. Until then I trust in Him.
Do me a favor this weekend. If you know anyone who has lost their father, let them know you’re thinking of them. Because this day is a day of good memories that come with the knowledge that I will never get to make more of those happy memories anymore. And that is hard to accept.
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4